As of late, the weekends have been filled with parties. Usually, they are either parties hosted by Northeastern students or found in the party neighborhoods of Allston, usually by BU students. Well, this past Saturday Al Wong and I decided to hit the town so we went to Allston. Little known to us, though, was that some kids we went to High School with were hosting a party and, after getting a call from Alex Mendez, we were on our way to this new adventure.
However, let me stop right here for a quick second. (Is there such a thing as a quick second?) The following story is down right disgusting, offensive, and above all else, extremely hilarious. You have been warned.
The truth is, this entry is not about the party we went to, but rather a kid that stumbled into this party and had, let's say, an accident.
For a little backstory, we ended up showing to this party. It was decent, but it's not something I would write home about. This crowd was an assortment of punks, hipsters, but overrall cool people. So we ended up drinking, chilling, smoking, and catching up with a few people I recognized from Quincy High School.
Fast forward some drinks later and Al, Ed, and I are chilling on the porch. We notice the rather flamboyount party across the street (there was a gay alliance flag waving proudly atop their porch) so Al decides that we should try that one out to see what is up. I oblige and we head over there. I light up a cigarette and let Al head in first, as he is clearly the most drunk. (A side note, he had a cup in which he mixed a 1/4 cup of vodka with a coors light; a stunning concoction that is sure to lead to getting acquainted with the toilet). Al stumbles up the steps before a crowd of onlookers that just watched him cross the street into their party.
"Hey, what's up - I just moved in...trying to see what's goin on in here."
He is recieved with a mixed welcome as I turn and see a police squad car pull up right next to this house. The cops get out and the people partying on the porch usher inside like cockroaches escaping the impending broom. The police walk by us and ask if we are 21, a question I can safely answer. The cops walk up the steps and start knocking on the door, shouting for the people inside to open up. They do not and it seems they are at a stalemate as Ed and I look on.
It was at this time that two gentlemen, presumabely our age, came down from the porch (before the police arrived) and approached us as we watched the spectacle with the cops. There was a kid in jeans and a black shirt with moppy hair, and a more preppier kid alongside him.
"What the fuck is your problem, man" said moppy haired kid in dark. "We didn't want you guys showing up because of the fucking cops".
They both looked intent on fighting so I started flexing my pecs a little bit, you know, to show them I'm down for brawling.
The other, preppy looking kid spoke up: "I just wanted to say, man, that I fucking love you." Both Ed and I were taken aback at this seeming reversal of emotion. The preppy kid hugged Ed for a quick second. Ed, hiding his newfound boner, just smiled and said an awkward thanks.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the moppy haired kid drooling profusely with a glazed look in his eyes.
Ok, so let's do a quick recap. Al is now inside the house being semi-raided by cops while Ed and I are outside on a street with two fucked up, on what I don't know, kids. Ok, let's continue.
"So, what's going on in that party you guys came from?", asks the preppy fellow.
We explain that we don't really know as this was our first time coming to this particular house. They, against our efforts, decide to follow us back into the house. I already have a bad feeling about this.
The moppy haired kid is caught in a brief skirmish on the porch with one of the party regulars. The "regular" tells the moppy kid to bounce, obviously seeing how messed up he is. I take this time to head inside (followed by the preppy kid, stealthly) and head back down to the basement where I inform Jesse that the cops are across the street and people should be a bit more careful as to not get busted.
I end up chilling on the couch next to Alex for a few minutes before I see moppy kid stumble his way down the steps. I sigh, how did he get in here?
He quickly becomes a scene, stumbling and rambling incoherently to any of the girls that will give him their ear. Eventually, he finds a larger woman, adorned with dreadlocks and other socially misfit piercings and makeup, that will humor him by listening to his nonsense and save everyone else from a rather uncomfortable time.
I overhear some of the conversation that this pickup artist with moppy hair spews out of his mouth.
"LISTEN TO ME - they're all part of the system"
"Blah blah socialist government blah blah"
All of these words are coming out of his still-drooling mouth as he sways to and fro, looking very unstable. Meanwhile, the woman he's talking to is pulling an acting job of convincing him that what he is saying is actually very charming and attractive. Noticing his obvious lack of dexterity, she helps him to sit down on the couch on the opposite end from I.
My attention is diverted to a group of girls in front of me who are blowing insanely cool soap bubbles filled with smoke from a hookah. As the bubble floats to the ground, it bursts every so softly and smoke erupts from it, slowly emitting into the air.
However, I hear giggling to my right and I turn to look. Lo and behold the drooling, moppy haired kid has sprung a BONER. He is sitting there talking to this woman, just talking, and apparently takes a liking to her (though I'm sure as messed up as he was, any woman, or even a femenine looking male would have surpassed his standards).
I grimace, this is both humiliating and extremely hilarious. Could this get any funnier?
My question was quickly answered with a resounding "yes".
I won't even try to sugar coat this part, HE HAD AN ORGASM IN HIS PANTS AND IT LEFT A STAIN THAT WAS EVENTUALLY CAPTURED BY A CAMERA PHONE ALL FROM TALKING TO SOME OVERWEIGHT GOTH-LOOKING CHICK HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID.
He just ejaculated in his pants.
How do you even do this without even touching yourself?
There was literally no contact.
I am at a loss for words.
It was at this point that I called it a night.
There is some good news in this. The first, is that the kid might have been rolling on about 500mg of ecstasy which would explain the drooling, incoherentness, and premature ejaculation in his pants, thus making it slightly less embarrassing. Actually, I wouldn't even call it premature ejaculation, because that assumes that the ejaculation is prior to implied intercourse. This is just ejaculation in his pants and forever humiliating. Another good thing is that it was apparently hilarious to everyone there and now everyone has a story to tell about this kid.
I will do my best to find the cell phone picture and, god willing, his name.
Eventually I grew tired of the party and asked the friends to leave while bidding farewell to our fellow partiers (except for the two pump chump).
The ride home was silent, everyone considering the event they had just witnessed.
Oh, also, I forgot to mention that Al safely made his way back to the house. Apparently everyone snuck out the back in the house that was raided.
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